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I'm a hypocrite. Can I change?

 For you to know what I mean by this, I suppose you need some history.

I used to dance 6 days a week, and was quite fit. Never super skinny, but I was strong. I could eat like a horse and it didn’t affect me in the slightest. When I was in my third year of University, I had a lateral meniscal tear in my left knee that left me unable to dance anymore. It was pretty devastating to me, and I required surgery. They did a repair rather than a removal, which meant I could bear no weight on my leg whatsoever for nearly two months while undergoing extensive physiotherapy.

Muscle Tear

It was damaging physically, but mentally as well. I wasn’t nearly as mobile as I used to be.

 Two and a half years later, I was living in Seoul, South Korea. I had recovered from my surgery and forgotten about favouring it for quite some time. I decided to join in a trip to participate in a giant paintball fight on the side of a small mountain. Rugged terrain, camo gear, paintball guns and tactical manoeuvers had me in the zone. I went to make a sudden dive and crouch to get away from an attack and I felt it. Rip, tear, and lock. Same knee. Same spot. I was in rural South Korea on the side of a mountain, nowhere near the buzzing metropolis of Seoul where I knew there were Canadian and US trained orthopaedic surgeons at major University Hospitals to look after me without a language barrier.

Thanks to a dear Korean friend of mine and her amazing parents who drove to the middle of no man’s land to pick me up at a small town country hospital, I made it back to Seoul and to better care. After two weeks, the swelling went down and my knee unlocked on its own and I made it back home to Canada to consult with my own surgeon again. It required a second surgery – a partial meniscal removal, and I found myself with an even bigger mental block.

Mental Block Pic

Obviously, I could never be physically active again. My knee couldn’t handle it, and I had set my mind to that.

The result? It’s 5 years and one baby later, and I’m big. Not just big. I am overweight for sure. I’m afraid to get physically active and it’s taken a toll on me. I don’t care about getting skinnier per say, but I do hope to get my health back (without having to sacrifice the occasional chocolate craving for sanity’s sake).

So how does any of this make me a hypocrite, you ask?

Well, I work in a multidisciplinary health clinic which offers chiropractic, massage therapy, physiotherapy, naturopathic medicine, a registered dietitian, and an osteopath among other services. I preach good health and physical activity to the patients who come in to my workplace every day, but I’m not a good example of such. I praise the Registered Dietitian I work with daily, but am too afraid to work with her myself as I know it will mean having to be vulnerable, accountable, and honest about my size and how I got here. This actually TERRIFIES me.

Big MAc Joke Pic

So here’s my challenge, and how I hope to overcome being a hypocrite. On August 21st, I’ve set up my first initial consult with her. I have told her I plan to blog about it – the process, the hang-ups and hurdles I face, my embarrassments, my failures and my successes, recipes that I’ve tried, what I learn from it, and what I achieve from it. She’s highly encouraging and thinks it’s a wonderful idea, but I’m still a big scaredy pants. Change is scary, even though I know it is for the better. 

So, my virtual friends, I’m telling you all about this now so I can’t back out. So that I’m accountable for someone other than myself, because I fear if I only have be accountable to me, I’ll fail myself.

I don’t necessarily long to be skinnier, but I do long to be healthier.

I know my daughter deserves that from me.

I think I might, too.


6 Join the Conversation

  1. johan says
    Aug 19, 2013 at 6:52 PM

    I hear you, I understand, and I share your struggle. Proud of you for taking the first steps . Johan

    • says
      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:12 PM

      Aww thanks, Johan! That really means a lot to hear that. I definitely got a major reality check when I saw her yesterday. I'm just getting ready to post about that visit, so keep your eyes peeled! I'm still kind of in shock about what I learned about myself...

  2. Melaney says
    Aug 20, 2013 at 11:24 PM

    Way to go Jen!!!!!!!! You're Awesome!!! :) Good Luck to You!! I know you will do really great!! xoxo Melaney

    • says
      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:11 PM

      Thanks, Melaney! It's a scary thing to put myself out there like this, but I think it's a good thing, too. I'm just getting ready now to post about what my first visit was like with Sarah, so stay tuned! I had a major reality check...

  3. JoAnne says
    Aug 21, 2013 at 7:38 PM

    Jenn, your head is in the right place, you are thinking long term for yourself and your baby girl, and you know if you don't have your health nothing else matters. I have faith that you can do this, it is scary, there is going to be allot of changes that you will have to make, allot of challenges along the way, but if you truly want something for all the right reasons, then this will happen for you!! Hang in there my friend, you got this!!!

    • says
      Aug 22, 2013 at 6:10 PM

      Thanks, JoAnne! I really do appreciate your kind words. I'm just getting ready to post about the first appointment with Sarah, so stay tuned!

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